For years I held my place at the top of masculine organizations. As general counsel, as a leader, as a woman who gets results and puts people in the right place. Often also the only woman at the table. On the outside, as a “female” leader, an example to others – strong, decisive and inspired when it comes to impact and sustainability. But on the inside, doubt. Was my ‘way of working’ appropriate? Was I moving enough, too little or just too much with my environment. And where would I end up if I started to show not only my strengths, but also my vulnerabilities?
Done with mainstream leadership programs, I signed up with Carla.
Recognition & Confrontation
I wasn’t looking for coaching. I was looking for recognition. (Recognition of the way I led -from connection-, but also recognition and connection with other women. Were my struggles recognizable and how do they deal with them? The program was all this, but more than that it was a confrontation with myself – and that turned out to be exactly what I needed.
This was suddenly not about achieving business success, but about truly embracing my femininity. Not as a rejection toward masculinity, but about finding balance again. The program is not called “the journey to wholeness” for nothing. If I was truly the authentic leader I claimed to be, I needed to acknowledge, show and give space to all facets of myself.
I had to slow down, feel and observe my body. Acknowledge intuition openly as the inner knowing. Not driving intuition away, or hiding it away as something vague, but really daring to rely on it.
The big shift came during a meditation that came in unexpectedly hard. As if a shutter was lifted and the energy could flow again. Had you told me this beforehand, I probably would have looked at you glassily. But this was substantial and a turning point.
Moving forward
The path after that was challenging. Choices followed that hurt, breaks with the familiar, but also room for something new. I have long since ceased to be “the girl who has to prove her place at the table,” but now I feel the same. I no longer speak my truth from struggle, but from peace.
The desire to make the world fairer, more humane and more sustainable is as strong as ever; the shape of this mission is still in flux. For now, I have decided to go into business. This gives me the space to choose in freedom and always determine where I can make the most impact. I am walking my own path.
The coaching by Carla
Of course, unconsciously, I was also looking for coaching. Carla and I had to probe each other a bit in the beginning, but she did a fantastic job of guiding me on this journey. She was powerful, clear, sometimes confrontational – but always safe. She knew how to create a setting where you can meet yourself, even when things get tense. Carla’s approach really demanded something of me. Openness. Trust. Time. Not surprisingly, the program touched deeper than expected. The group was large, but Carla knew how to create the bedding that allowed us all to open up. Even the skeptical souls, like me.
For every woman who recognizes herself in “having to be strong,” but also feels that there is more: dare to stand still & dare to feel. Reason is wonderful, but often deep down we already know exactly what the right turn or decision is.
