When I was working as a manager for almost three years, the organizational structure changed. There were new roles, new opportunities, and I wondered what role I really saw for myself. I applied for a higher management position. Full of ambition, but at the same time I was still full of doubt.
During the job interview, I noticed; this interview was not going well. I didn’t come out the way I had hoped. Not because I couldn’t do it, but because deep down I didn’t believe I was cut out for it. I made myself smaller than necessary, and I don’t just mean during this interview. Everywhere I went I adapted to the expectations and needs of others. The fear of failure, of disappointment or rejection was deeper than I wanted to admit. My modesty and self-doubt stood in the way of my growth. And after this disappointing job interview, the point had been reached for me. I longed to stand firmer in my leadership, to live out my values and express my vision clearly, without apologizing for it.
Previous coaching had focused mainly on behavior. Practical, useful too, but it didn’t touch the core. This time I felt: I really need to work on myself. Not learning another trick, but understanding who I am and why I do what I do. Where at first I thought I needed a therapist, my supervisor pointed me to The Women’s Leadership Program. She recognized my patterns, had attended this leadership program herself and knew what the impact of this program could be. Thanks to her, I was given the opportunity to walk this path as well.
What I discovered there touched me more deeply than I expected.
I found out that I didn’t actually know very well who I was myself. That may sound strange for a grown woman in a leadership position, but it was the truth. I had lived by the needs and expectations of others for so long that I had lost myself. The frustration and powerlessness I felt stemmed from constantly playing a role. I was not authentic. I was figuring myself out.
The trajectory brought me closer to myself.
Layer by layer I was allowed to peel off what was not mine. I gained insight into my beliefs, my fear of rejection, my drive to do right by everyone but myself. My greatest insight? That I have something to offer. I now feel that I am of value. Not because I perform something or meet someone else’s expectations, but simply because I am who I am.
That realization, especially that feeling, changed everything.
At the end of the journey, paradoxically, I was not doing well. I was emotional, feeling dark and heavy. I slept badly, was in a negative spiral and was balking. I thought I hadn’t gotten the most out of the program. Until I realized that that very moment was my turning point. The moment when everything in me screamed, “We’re not doing it that way anymore!”
A situation at work sucked me dry completely.
Instead of moving on and adjusting, I put it on the table “this is not how I am going to continue. I stated my boundary. In complete vulnerability. Without mask. Without a role. That was exciting, but it brought a huge positive turnaround. Not only did the situation itself improve, I felt for the first time how firmly I stood. Everything I had worked on during the process came together here.
Since then, I have naturally relied more on my own insights and my feelings.
I am allowed to be there. I embrace my vulnerability instead of hiding it. And that is exactly what makes for more connection with others, something I always wanted as a leader. For me, authentic leadership now means that my strength and my vulnerability are allowed to coexist.
I am less afraid of making mistakes. I know and accept that I am not perfect. That I am doing it with the best of intentions. And that I am allowed to learn. That mildness toward myself brings peace. I fret less, doubt less, overthink less. The constant inner critic has softened. That gives space. In my work, in my head and in my heart.
As a manager, I find that I am on a firmer footing.
My values are clearer. I express my vision without diminishing myself. Colleagues experience more openness and connection. I no longer feel consumed by expectations or masculine leadership norms. My feminine power, which for me stands for intuitive, connecting and clear, is allowed to be there.
Looking back, I am incredibly grateful that I embarked on this journey. Although I doubted beforehand whether I would really be able to break my lifelong patterns, I went into it with full commitment. Carla let me go through my own process, at my own pace. She sensed exactly what I needed. Everything was allowed to be there. Nothing was wrong. Even when I thought I was standing still, she helped me see that there was movement there.
Perhaps what surprised me most was that the change did not come from harsh confrontation or quick fixes. It happened because I took myself seriously. Because there was a safe bed in which I could explore, feel and grow. Because of the design of the program, things in me changed naturally.
And the connection with the small group of sisters was invaluable. Women who, each in their own way, were also seeking authentic leadership, personal development and a deeper connection to themselves. The sisterhood I felt gave me recognition and strength.
Today I am at a point I once could only dream of. I feel confidence, peace and inner strength. The investment of time, energy and attention is turning out to be an investment in the rest of my life. For what I have recovered is not only my leadership, but myself.
And that changes everything.
